Better

So a good friend of mine who I have not talked to in forever read my blog and called me to see how I was. Since I have not posted how life is right now, she was concerned. On November 12th, Cassie and I moved back in with Charles. It hasn't been easy but it has been better. I think we are still walking on eggshells around each other but we are also talking more. It has been hard letting him be the man of the household since I have been doing it for so long but it also been good because he helps out more around the house. It never bothered me to clean everything because he works more than I but it has also made me feel guilty if he cleans the kitchen because I feel lazy. These are just things I need to get use to. He felt useless around me because I did everything and now I am trying to include him in everything. Like on Sunday, we went together and bought all of Cassie's birthday party stuff and usually I do that on my own because I didn't think he wanted to. So life is getting better a day at a time.

Fixing Yourself

So I have been seeing a counselor and the things I have discovered about myself is scary. There is something that happened in 9th grade that has defined who I am since that time. It wasn't anything traumatic but it was life defining in my case. This is now something I have to work through and in my own words, get over. There was no reason why this moment should have defined me like it has. I wasn't thrilled about going to counseling but I knew I had to if I was going to help fix my marriage. Counseling is hard but it is worth it. I have learned so much stuff about myself in these few sessions. If you have some things in your life that you don't understand, counseling has really helped me.

Wrong

Everything I do lately is wrong. I started going to a counselor to help figure out me. She was hard on me but that is what I needed. Well in this, I decided I needed to wait to move back in with Charles till I figured out some stuff with me. He didn't like that answer so I guess I am not moving back in. We are both tired of fighting. So to keep from fighting, Charles thinks we just need to quit. I don't agree but I will abide by what he wants. This post is nothing against Charles, it is just the facts. He needs actions and I need words so I guess we are too different to work on us. I will figure out my life after Christmas because right now I just want to lay in bed and sleep till everything is over.

Land of Confusion

Charles and I keep going back and forth on if we work on our marriage or just let it go. We both are afraid to go back. What is the other hurts me again is both of our thoughts. Well we finally decided that Cassie and I are going to move back in. We hired a mover to move Cassie's and my stuff back in. I thought this would be a great time to go through everything and have a garage sell but Charles said we have too much going on with us and we need to focus on that instead of purging and selling things. So in the spirit of listening to what my husband wants, I agreed. It is so hard because I am so used to doing things my way and that is one of the many things that is driving us apart. So I am going to start really listening to Charles and not just pick out things I want to hear. We both are going to try and really be in tune with what the other wants and not just what we want. I hope this is a new beginning for us and in a year from now we will come out a stronger and more loving couple. It will be interesting to see where Charles and I are in a year. Hopefully together!

Trust

Trust is so hard to rebuild. Once you have lost it, it is so hard to get it back. That is the big thing keeping Charles and I apart right now. It is hard to have faith that the other will actually change like they have said they will. After 8 years of breaking the trust, can one trust that the other will change for the better? So our life together is still up in the air until a decision is made.

Date

So Charles and I are going on a date tonight. Just him and me. We had a hard conversation yesterday but a big breakthrough. So pretty much, we are starting over. We love each other but the way we have been doing our relationship was not working at all. Not sure where we are going to go from here but we are going to take things slow. We are not going to rush back into marriage. Since I don't have to move back right now, we are going to date. Not sure how a date with my husband of 8 years is going to look like but I am excited with how we are proceeding.

Crossroads

I am at a crossroads. Charles and I decided not to fight anymore. Where do we go from here? We both feel like we want to work on our marriage but can it be fixed? We both have said awful things to each other. I always wondered how two people who loved each other enough to get married, could end up hating each other after a divorce. I guess there is a thin line between love and hate. I can't remember the exact point where we stopped fighting and decided to work on our marriage but we both went to dinner last night with Cassie. It was nice and weird. Nice because we just talked of mundane things and weird because for 2 weeks we have only fought and weren't sure how to react to each other. So for now, in Charles' words, we are going to "date." Not sure how you date the person you have been with for 9 years but we both need to think and see if we can stay together. He is not pressuring me to move back and I am leaving him alone so he can think. Not doing very good on the leaving alone part because we have been chatting online all day, but I have just missed talking to him. So we are both at a crossroads right now.