Land of Confusion

Charles and I keep going back and forth on if we work on our marriage or just let it go. We both are afraid to go back. What is the other hurts me again is both of our thoughts. Well we finally decided that Cassie and I are going to move back in. We hired a mover to move Cassie's and my stuff back in. I thought this would be a great time to go through everything and have a garage sell but Charles said we have too much going on with us and we need to focus on that instead of purging and selling things. So in the spirit of listening to what my husband wants, I agreed. It is so hard because I am so used to doing things my way and that is one of the many things that is driving us apart. So I am going to start really listening to Charles and not just pick out things I want to hear. We both are going to try and really be in tune with what the other wants and not just what we want. I hope this is a new beginning for us and in a year from now we will come out a stronger and more loving couple. It will be interesting to see where Charles and I are in a year. Hopefully together!

Trust

Trust is so hard to rebuild. Once you have lost it, it is so hard to get it back. That is the big thing keeping Charles and I apart right now. It is hard to have faith that the other will actually change like they have said they will. After 8 years of breaking the trust, can one trust that the other will change for the better? So our life together is still up in the air until a decision is made.

Date

So Charles and I are going on a date tonight. Just him and me. We had a hard conversation yesterday but a big breakthrough. So pretty much, we are starting over. We love each other but the way we have been doing our relationship was not working at all. Not sure where we are going to go from here but we are going to take things slow. We are not going to rush back into marriage. Since I don't have to move back right now, we are going to date. Not sure how a date with my husband of 8 years is going to look like but I am excited with how we are proceeding.

Crossroads

I am at a crossroads. Charles and I decided not to fight anymore. Where do we go from here? We both feel like we want to work on our marriage but can it be fixed? We both have said awful things to each other. I always wondered how two people who loved each other enough to get married, could end up hating each other after a divorce. I guess there is a thin line between love and hate. I can't remember the exact point where we stopped fighting and decided to work on our marriage but we both went to dinner last night with Cassie. It was nice and weird. Nice because we just talked of mundane things and weird because for 2 weeks we have only fought and weren't sure how to react to each other. So for now, in Charles' words, we are going to "date." Not sure how you date the person you have been with for 9 years but we both need to think and see if we can stay together. He is not pressuring me to move back and I am leaving him alone so he can think. Not doing very good on the leaving alone part because we have been chatting online all day, but I have just missed talking to him. So we are both at a crossroads right now.

A Turn

So I guess Charles and I finally got tired of fighting with each other. We are going to try and work on our marriage. We are not sure where to go from here but we are going to try.

Dinner

So I am going to have to learn how to cook again. I have not had to cook because Charles cooked. I loved telling people I didn't cook, my husband did it all. So in this new life, I have to learn to cook again. I am living at my mom's right now so she has been cooking but Rudy and she was gone so I had to cook for Cassie and I. I heated up leftovers, because I am not comfortable yet cooking my mother's food. She wouldn't mind, it is me.

On another note, Cassie and I watched Extreme Home Makeover together. I never get to watch it live and it is a show Cassie and I can watch together. She was so tired because she didn't take a nap in the car so she went to bed early. I am about to go to bed because I am also tired. Driving 7 hours by yourself with a 3 year old is hard and tiring. I am going to try to have a happy post on the next one but no promises.

Mourning

I have a friend whose husband died a little over a year ago. She has really mourned for him deeply. While I know divorce is different, it still feels like mourning because I did lose my best friend. When we were happy, we talked about everything and there was nothing I could not tell him. We talked every week day online. I miss all that. I feel like I have no one to talk to. My friends will call to see how I am, but they have their own lives and I am now alone. I miss my husband, I miss talking every night and watching TV at night. I miss the security because right now I have no idea what I am going to do and if I can afford anything. I am tired and worn out and hate every bit of this, but I am not sure we can go back, too many awful things have been said. So I am in mourning.